Trust Is Built in the Way We Work

When work starts breaking down, one response is to suggest a team dinner or more social time. The hope is that getting closer will make it easier to work together.

I do not think social events should be a required part of work. Sharing a meal and talking can help people connect, but no one should have to attend to get information or prove they can be trusted.

Imagine that handoffs are incomplete, no one knows who makes the decisions, and the same rework keeps happening. If the proposed fix is “let’s eat together and get closer,” the original question has changed.

Instead of asking, “Why does this keep happening, and what should we change?” we start asking, “How well do we understand one another?”

Understanding someone’s circumstances does not mean agreeing to carry the burden those circumstances create. We can make room for busy schedules and personal difficulties. But other people’s patience should not have to absorb the costs of a broken way of working.

We should be able to work well without being close

This is the baseline I want for an organization.

People should get the information they need without being close friends. They should be able to speak up without attending a dinner. And when they raise an uncomfortable issue, the team should examine the work rather than turn it into a judgment about the person.

It can be even better when coworkers become friends. But if people need to be close to get help, or need to resolve things over drinks before work can continue, socializing has become a condition of doing the job.

Trust at work is built through the work itself. Do people deliver what they promised on time? Can they explain why a decision was made? Do they raise problems instead of hiding them? Do they leave enough context for someone else to pick up the work? Those are the things that build trust.

If a team needs time to talk, dinner and alcohol do not have to be the default. Lunch fits more naturally into the workday and takes less time from people’s evenings. It also makes it easier for people who do not drink to join on equal terms. Lunch can become a burden too if attendance is expected. The purpose and the choice matter more than the format.

Public principles distinguish relationships from work

This is more than a personal preference.

Netflix’s culture document puts capable colleagues ahead of perks such as an impressive office or free meals. It also treats regular feedback, clear decision owners, and learning from outcomes as part of the work.

Google re:Work’s research on effective teams identifies psychological safety, dependability, structure, and clarity as important factors. Psychological safety does not mean that everyone gets along or is close. It means people can ask questions, admit mistakes, and disagree without fearing embarrassment or punishment.

GitLab’s values call for examining the circumstances and decisions behind a failure instead of blaming an individual, and for directing feedback at specific work. At the same time, GitLab recognizes that informal conversation and relationships can help build trust.

These examples do not mean that good companies should ignore social connection. I read them as a reason to distinguish how we handle work from how we build relationships, and not to treat people’s personal time as something they owe the team.

Relationships cannot replace a sound way of working

Putting the process first does not mean adding more procedures and approvals. It means making work clear enough that people do not have to rely on personal connections or guesswork.

When expectations are visible in documents and conversations, people can ask the questions they need to ask even if they are not close. When it is clear who decides and what is still unresolved, they can discuss uncomfortable issues in terms of the work instead of turning them into personal conflict.

If we want good relationships at work, I think we first have to stop wearing one another down as we work together.

If we share a meal, we can start with a lunch that asks less of people. Even that is not necessary for everyone. The responsibility for building trust belongs in our everyday work, not at the dinner table.

The first question for a leader should not be, “How close are the employees?” It should be, “Are we building trust as we work together, or wearing it away?”